So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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