if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I need a burrito and a hug.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
