You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
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Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
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However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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