I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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