think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
