I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
