i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
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I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
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He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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