It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Randomize
