in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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