I'm laying in your front yard are you home
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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