My liver just broke up with me...
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
