i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
