Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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