I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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