if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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