I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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