yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
