i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
