Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
