i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
