If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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