If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
