Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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