i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
