i came on her dog
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
