I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
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