I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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