Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
