Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Randomize
