The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
