I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
