I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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