but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
