So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
