Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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