She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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