Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Randomize
