My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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