how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I came so hard my ears popped.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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