and next time when you feel me up, do it right
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
