i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
