oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
