it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
