Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
