hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
