She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
