I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
