fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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