they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
