last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
