when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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