We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
