i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Randomize
