i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Boobs speak an international language.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
