Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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