he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
