My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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