the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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